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Wedding in Young and kid memories [30 Oct 2017|09:00am]
Like always I feel so rushed in life. I really just want to slow down. Anyhow, I wanted to give you a least a quick update. I have kept this one in my head for 2 weeks so ill probably never forget, but here it goes haha. 2 weekends ago, I woke up to the sweet little voice of Shane. Kristen asked "Shane what do you want from the store?" He replied "Burritos and Tacos" haha. He was totally serious. Another super sweet one is this morning. Ryker was walking down the stairs singing a christmas song and its October. There should be halloween songs or something. Anyhow they are so sweet. They really are what life is about.

Anyhow, so Saturday was Brittany's wedding. It was in Young AZ. It was actually a great day. Basically offroading to get there. Kristen was freaked out. There was one part that went uphill on loose rocks and made a sharp 180 degree turn. It was like you had to have the perfect speed. Slow enough to not go over the edge, but fast enough to maintain speed and grip. It was intense, but after we got to the wedding it was awesome. This green house on the top of a hill. Theres these huge trees right in front of their house, and a little creek in front. Brittany says they own around 90 acres! Pretty crazy. It was a nice wedding, her husband seems like a legit dude.

So I decided to take the day off work today. I need to keep working on this work life balance. I woke up thinking about the boys, I went in Rykers bed and snuggled with him. This is something I always say I want to do, and darnit I did it today. I just feel like my days are numbered  before he is as big as Shane. I love Shane to pieces, but I just don't want Ryker getting any bigger. Man my eyes start to water just writing that. I just have such love for these boys. In fact I have changed car plans to getting some sort of offroad buggy so that way we can all go out and have fun. I just hear the boys giggling in my head, and I cant wait I think it will be so fun! So anyhow i'm home working on family stuff. I bought one of those video picture frames, and I have a few thumb drives. so I am going to start organizing pictures and getting them ready. Adios. Current song The Comsat Angels - I'm falling, Psyche - Priosoner to Desire, Crying Vessel - Empty Glass, Trevor Something - Isolated
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Too much to say too little time... that is the problem [09 Oct 2017|11:01am]
The title basically says it all. I think i'm up to my usual schananagins (however you spell it). I have so much to say that when I finally sit down, i forget what i want to say, and I also don't have time. I truthfully even went on to read about how well i budgeted time over the summer. Its like I don't really need to read it to know how I nailed it. I felt good about everything, and made time for everything. Thats also kinda what I shoudl be doing right now. Ok so here is something. i have done a bunch of reading on this antifa vs "alt-right" stuff. Kinda crazy. Greg sent me a cool podcast. It was pretty interesting, I mean some of the alt right stuff was interesting like their "no-wanks" stuff, and just being proud of who you are. enough shame and guilt, i like that, but where I dont like is where i feel like there are hate related things. anyhow, i could go more off on that, but i watched a lot of their dumb fight videos, and it somehow awakened me. just the fact that you never know whats going to happen in life when you will be attacked or something like that. you really have to be prepared to protect yourself. i had this thought going through my head at the gym, and i felt invencible. i realized this is the key to getting what i want out of the gym or anything in life. you really absolutly must believe in yourself. its weird how im pretty out of shape now, but last year when i was in better shape i allowed myself to think that i wasn't as great as i was. if i keep this mentality i really am good for just about anyhting i do. Its weird though because you cant fake that feeling, you cant convince of yourself its almost like you feel it or you dont. I guess the only advice i would have for myself is that i know i really am relentless, and never give up, and that i have felt that way and when i do feel that way i am unstoppable. as for now i need to get back into a legit routine. theres so much more i want to write, but literally dont have the time right now. hopefully this will serve as a buffer to inspire me to get back here and finish up.
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how to talk with anybody [03 Jul 2017|08:27pm]
So without going too into details when I was in Texas I realized that talking to a group of random people I don't really know isn't a favorite past time of mine. Yet I love movies where people can go in and just make friends with just about anybody, from a fancy get together party, or something like "The Guest". The Guest really inspired me, how he just went in and managed to make special connections with everybody in the family in what would for the majority of society be an awkward situation. Anyhow, I wanted to read a book on how to essentially talk with anybody. So I am just going to make notes here of what I read. So when you read the subject of how to talk with anybody its my notes on how to do exactly this.

The first technique is a flooding smile. This idea occures at more than one point how give a special and individualized smile makes people feel special. The idea of a flooding smile is essentially dont go around introducing yourself to people with a pre-fixed plastic smile that everybody gets the same thing. I guess my version of this is look at someone and then give them a smile that is welcoming and individualized to them. One point later made in the book is the author said she was introduced to this guy who gave her a special smile. She was flattered, then saw he gave the next 4 people the same smile and lost interest. People have more integrity when they are slower to smile (says the book).

Sticky Eyes and apoxy eyews. On this one basically saying to make really good eye contact with people. Women value this more than men. Essentially for women you don't want to break eye contact and if you do, do it reluctatly.an interesting note "when you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenaline like substance through their veins. epoxy eyes is just basically a little more intense. Its like looking back at the person you are interested in for a reaction. Like when Kristen and I see the kids do something funny.

Hang By Your Teeth. What the book is saying here is to essentially make sure you have really good and confident posture. This part of the book the author discusses how a characture would draw a person thats confident to have really good posture. She writes that every time you walk into a door adjust your posture like you are in a circus act hanging by your teeth.

Big Baby Pivot. This approach basically says appeal to everybodys inner baby that they are special. Turn to somebody and give them your full attention, and a nice warm welcoming smile. Just as you would if a little toddler came running up to you. With this She gave an example of a single friend she had. She would give men who approached her a half smile.  Then a baby huge attention. The author pointed out that she should try that with men. The next man that came over she did that with them and the two really hit it off. People want to feel special and welcome.

Hello Old Friend. This one says to treat everybody as if they are a long lost friend. Another interesting thing here is she said that if you treat somebody as if you genuinely like them you start to feel as if you really do, its like you are tricking your brain. People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care... about them.

Limit the fidget. This is a good way to come across as being credible. When engaging in a serious conversatoin with someone, dont fidget with your hair, itch your face, basically stay far away from your face. People feel like when you are fidgeting especially with your face that you are not trustworthy.

Hans the Horse. This is the one where the horse was solving math problems by reading the crowds reactions. They thought he could add and do all kinds of things. So for this one express yourself, but keep an eye on how the listenier is reacting to what you are saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.

Watch the Scene Before you Make the Scene. Rehearse being the super somebody you want to be ahead of time. See yourself walking around with hang by your teeth posture, shaking hands, flooding smile, sticky eyes. hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward y ou. Visualize yourself a super somebody. then it all happens automatically.

Pt. 2 what to say after hello

Make a mood match. take a voice sample and detect their state of mind. see how they look, bored, blitzed, etc.   you gotta match their mood and voice tone, if only for a second.

prosaic with passion. 80% of the listeners (presumably a new person) impression of you has nothing to do with words, as long as you have an empathetic mood, positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.

always wear a whatzit. The idea behind this is basicaly to entice someone who would be intrested in talking to you, but might not know how to approach you or have something to talk about. For me one thing i had which I want to get back is a smartwatch. Still a relatively new thing that not a lot of people have or understand, yet a lot of people are curious and / or are interested. I do recall getting quite a few comments on it. This alternately suggests if you see someone wearing a whatzit its also a good way to go up to someone and start a conversation with them.

whosthat? This method is simply ask the party giver to make an introduction, or give you  a few facts you can immediately turn into icebreakers.

eavesdrop in. if there is no whatsit or whosethat just get behind a crowd and listen for any flimsy excuse and jump in with "excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear..."

Never the Naked City. When someone asks you "and where are you from" never give a one word answer. learn engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. another thing she talks about is have different facts for different people. if you know someone is into golfing find some good golf information in your state, or climbing talk about the mountains, etc. basically the more you know about where you live the better you can discuss it to tailor it to their interests.

never the naked job. when people ask "what do you do" p0repare interesting information mation, like a short resume of what you do. give out facts so people can nibble on them and make comments, ask questions, etc.

to introduce people give out a conversational hook "tell them the time..." or ")))) works with )))) and has a lot of experienece with )))))."

Be a word detective. Listen to the conversation partner's every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. evidence will slip out. spring on the subject.

Swiveling spotlight. ok so i didn't exactly get the spotlight aspect, but this one seems hugely important and ive heard this one alot, it ties in with everything. Essentially you just have to try to keep the convcersation on them talking about themself. people love to talk and to have someone listen to, so ask probing questions, get them to talk a lot. in return they will think its you that is super interesting and awesome. i think of this one as when i talk to eric, ill have so much to tell him,, and hes just an awesome listener.

parroting. I recently tried this one out and it works people love it. kinda like with being a word detective you have to really listen and catch onto things people have said. repeat back to them some of what they said ask questions about what they said. bring up something they discussed earlier and ask more about it. the autor notes to be blike a parrot and simlply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says.

Ok so my goal of this was to get you caught up with where i'm at in the book, but i'm kinda done for the moment, wanted to watch a movie with the wife. ill update in the near future.
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Sunday update Sunday [25 Jun 2017|07:43am]
Ok so Wednesdy was the last day I updated. On Thursday we did the same old drill (gym, swim lessons). It was so insanely hot. I started off with a dry shirt at swim lessons and by the time it was over it was 100% covered. Momo came over and played with the kids. She is good about actually playing with them.

Friday started off pretty laid back. I stayed up a little late Thursday so had a slower start Friday. This is good because there is just so much "go, go, go" in our lives it feels good to take the day slow. But yeah so we went to the gym, and then the childrens museum. Its crazy how hot it was. Just the drive to the museum and back was scorching. The kids had fun at the museum, but it was interesting how much bigger they are from the last time. One example comes from in the past I used to have to be defensive if other kids were going to bulldoze the kids, and now Ryker totally trampled this little girl trying to catch a scarf. I was so embarassed. It was pretty funny because it was pretty open around us and somehow he just had to nail her haha, but he was focused on catching the scarf. Anyhow, after that we came home. Ooh the dog got out again, shes crazy running around. I did Lyft that night. Ugh it made for a rough morning.

Saturday: I felt terrible. I could tell I was way overdue on a LOT of sleep. I didn't want to go to Ruby's training, or Lorenz's birthday party (for Shane). Being the trooper I am I did all of it. Shane had fun at the party, and so did Ryker. The family had a nice house, and Lorenze's mother is just a great lady. She just wants to make you comfortable with food and drinks and has a lot to say. Great famiy. Anyhow, as you can imagine after that we were all toast. I came home and basically took an hour and a half nap.

Ok so right now, i'm listening to Toro Y Moi - Girl Like you. First Shane comes in and says "I am a star Daddy" then Ryker walks in with sunglasses with Stars on them and starts dancing. They are both just so silly and cute. Its moments and memories like these that remind me that I'm a pretty lucky dude. I'm also about to play the Climb. Its amazing, I mean it feels like a legit, and genuine experience. I have no desire to do this stuff whatsoever, but what I would like to do is go to a rock climbing gym. I did that a few times when I was like 18 and loved it. i don't know why I dont go back. I think climbing like this is just such an interesting thing. Its so dangerous though, but thats part of the allure. An allure that I never want anything to do. VR is the only reality where I have the desire to do it haha.

One not so good thing about Saturday, is I saw I gained 2 pounds. At first I was shocked, but then I know where I went wrong. i can fix this. I expect nothing, and accept everything. When I come back on ill be back on track. I also want to start writing down cute things the kids say and do. Im pretty good about writing down what we do, but thats only half the fun, so ill try to start writing that down.
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Since the last post... [21 Jun 2017|04:41pm]
Wow, I love updating with good stuff. So I did excatly what I said I would. I went to Best Buy. Everything sounded legit. The ONLY downfall is that the deal was either receive 10% off, or 12 months with no itnerest. So I had that on my mind for the duration of the day / night. Speaking of night, that night was one to remember. At the show Eric hooked me up with a gin and tonic. It was really good, but the sage part of it wasn't my favorite. I guess it was made in AZ. Anyhow, Xeno and Oaklander.... I didn't even realize they were playing, but wow they blew my mind. I mean it was just spot on, what a cool experience! Then from there, Eric didn't have enough party from just 1 show lol, so we went out for more adventure haha. I couldn't believe we were out till past 2. It was way fun, just a lot of unexpected turns, bumped into some fun and interesting people. A night for the books for sure. So then Thursday I woke up and did exactly what I said I was going to. This might sound random, but, with eric on the way home cruising and laughing I said "man tomorrow i'm going to wake up late and after the kids swim lessons i'm going to go buy that comptuer". I did exactly just that. It was a glorious day. It was one of those rare days where on getting a little bit of sleep I felt fantastic, and just had a great day. ooh and I think I might have accidently stole something. I was all excited talking about the rift and asking about anti-virus, and well... i think i accidentally forgot to stop at the register. I really had no intention of stealing, and in fact plan on giving them a ton of business because I think they are awesome. Anyhow, the dude at the door even checked my reciept lol. Anyhow, so that day the excitement for the kids was getting a "momo" day. She took them out and had a good time with them (McDonalds, and also to pick out Ryker a Birthday toy). I don't remember what the toy was otherwise I would write it here.

Friday / Weekend: We woke up went to the gym, and then swim lessons, and then to Chuck-E-Cheese. The kids had a blast. I love going in with just enough coins to get them what they wanted, have a blast, and get out of there. Its a great day to work out, take the kids to swim lessons, and then do something fun. Lifting / cardio / sauna really keep me feeling good. Anyhow, the rest of the day is kinda funny. Josiah came over to "play the Oculus". The funny thing is that It didn't even work hahahha. After all that right? I got a little negative, but I refused to take no for an answer. Turns out the motherboard HDMI's are useless. I actually didn't get it all set up till Saturday around midnight. Saturday I took a break from computer stuff and we went swimming at Almeria. Momo came, and it was pretty fun, but i'm kinda over swimming other then the fact that its so crazy hot outside.  I even exchanged my computer thinking there was something wrong with my other one. The internet went super slow, blah it was frustarting. But its all fixed. I even got a Wi-Fi extender because I want this computer to be a rocketship. Of course some things went wrong with that too (which I eventually got sorted out). Sunday was fathers day so we went to Joyride Taco. I got to have a blood Orange Margarita. Normally I let Kristen have the drink and I drive, but Fathers day is my day haha. Boys had cheese crisp, Ryker had Rice with his, and Shane had fruit. I also cooked up some diet food. I'm always on the move right? Ooh to add to that I put up about half the hardware on Sunday, not to mention got my first Oculus VR taste. And that taste was good.

Monday Started with the gym, followed by swim lessons. The rest of the day probably felt uneventful for the kids because I came home and wanted to make the little lady happy by finishing up the hardware in the kitchen (which I did). I had to go back to Loewes to get longer screwes and this lady basically didn't believe me. I hate it when shes working, what a grump. Must suck to be her lol. I did get some VR time, and Dreadhalls makes me basically want to pee my pants.

The morning was the same setup; Gym, Swim Lessons, and then swimming with Momo. Poor Ryker had to use the restroom like 10 times haha. Momo came out this time too. We came home and the boys took a bath. Then i had some Oculus time. This time I got to play the touch. Theres this game with this robot, and you start him up like you would a movie tape player. Its so rad you shoot a gun at targets, butterflys land on your figners, you shoot off bottle rockets, etc. Its just so visceral, immersive and IDK special I guess is a word for it. its an experience, and thats what I am all about in this life the more and varied experiences. Kristen even nerded out with it lol. She loved the robot, and she swam with the dolphins, it was pretty fun to watch.

Wednesday aka today:
Today was too freaking hot! Ok so we started with the normal setup gym, swim lessons, then we went to the store. Ok, I keep writing that like its no big deal, but theres so many details with all of it. For starters I have to get myself ready, my gym bag ready (sandals, board shorts, a change of cloths, towel, protein powder), then I have to get the kids swim stuff packed, and also be sure to get cold fresh waters for them, sun tan lotion, and a snack. So when i'm done with the gym, I gotta give them their snacks in the car on the way to swim. At swim I gotta make time to get them sun tan lotioned up before they jump in the water haha. Its just busy and theres a lot to forget, but knowing I'm doing whats good for my kids is all the motivation I need. I love those little boogers so much! After swim We picked up some cookies that need to be baked in the oven. We came home, and I heated up these mini pizza's for the boys. Then after that We made the cookies. This was Shane's craft for the day. It was pretty cute I told him he is a level 1 chef making these and if they are good he can go onto be a level 2 and next time we will make brownies. He liked that. So As the Brownies are baking I made the Build and Grow Monster Truck with Ryker. When the cookies were baking Shane was like "I think they need 2 more minutes, they look doughie". I thought It was pretty funny to hear a 5 year old think of that. So we left them in 2 more minutes, and they were a little crispy, but still tasted good. After that I finally gave the boys a bath (something ive done each day this week after we get back) it just frees up more time to spend with them and Kristen at night. After that I told Shane I needed some time to do the Rift and after that I would have him play the robot game (He saw it the other day and really wanted to play it). Ooh and at that time I let them get out the playdough, and also facilitated in them cleaning up. Hey I was playing dreadhalls so I needed an excuse to get away from the freaky hellish game (it really is nuts). He had this whole scenereo of what he thought was going on. "daddy you are in a castle and trying to get out of the maze" which actually isn't way too far off, its just missing all the freakyness of why i'm actually playing it haha. did I mention how terrifying the game is? sheesh. Anyway so Once I got done with that I had him come in and we did play the game. Shane loved it, he said his favorite part with the robot was with the gun. it was pretty cute to see him shooting it around and having so much fun. Then I set them up with a netflix show and came on here to write you. I think tomorrow we're going to go swimming, but i'm not sure its so stinking hot. TTYL.
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Drab Majesty Tonight [14 Jun 2017|07:17am]
So life has been good! I am really enjoying having the summer with the boys. First time ever for the summer its just the boys and I. Kristen just started her new position which means she will be working over the summer. Before the summer started I had this grand idea, which I was worried that I wouldn't follow through with. Its one of those situations where I know doing things a certain way is the right thing. I think I owe some credit to that book I read I know I need to act on my plan. So what it is, 7:45AM we leave for the gym. I work out till about 9:15 (sauna and cardio included), and then go over to swim lessons at 10am. Swim lessons last only a half an hour. Then every other day we go swimming. Monday we went to my grandma's pool which made me suppper happy! Tuesdays we do an arts and crafts type activity. Yesterday Shane and I built this "build and grow" monsnter truck out of wood, nails, and stickers. I just had this dad high realizing life is so good and how rad of a moment that is. I am human so I still have my gripes, but I know that its action that ultimately matters. With that said I read those last goals often, and I forget which, but I have one of them completed. The issue that i'm running into at the moment is that I realized my current computer has this virus which will not allow me to get things like an anti-virus program. Add that to the fact that I already want a new computer, and was planning on spending money to make this one faster.... ok so then last night after watching hell house llc, I just literally stumbled on this link not even looking for it. its oculus rift and hp envy for $1000 at best buy. Then I also found something saying that when you sign up for best buy credit you receive 10% off purchase, AND you can make monthly payments for 12 months with 0 interest. so If I go in with $100, and get that $100 off, it all comes out to $800 which is basically $17 a week (essentially an hour of work on the weekend). After swim stuff today I might swing by a best buy to talk to them about it. Ooh and like the title states tonight is Drab Majesty. Eric and I are going I cant wait!!!!
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That summertime Life [08 Jun 2017|09:25am]
I think my LJ is probably starting to sound more like "the babblings of a bi-polar man" haha. I feel like every timeI come on here to write, its one extreme or another. In fact I probably wrote something similar to this effect one of the last times I came on.

So let me just capture essentially events that has recently taken place. Just about a week ago we left for Texas, And returned a few days ago. Kristen's dad's place is so nice its crazy. He got a house on a lake in Granbury Texas. I didn't expect to like it much, but was pleasently surprised. We had fun going out onto the lake, we did so twice. I wish we could have done it more. We were all pretty sick so that didn't help much. While out on the lake I was thinking how nice it would be to have a boat. Its just so relaxing and chill. Jumping out into the water when you get hot, having the air bounce and cool you off when going fast in the boat. I wish I wakeboarded, but i didn't. Shane had a blast he wanted to swim for a long time. Shane went in the raft with uncle jeremy and loved it. Ryker just wanted to sit in it and still have a blast. When I walked back into our house after theirs it felt pretty mild and boring in comparison. Writing that seems ironic and almost funny because as i sit here and type I have this rad desk that I put together with a very large and open desk space, im blasting trevor something with some high quality studio monitors paired with rad usb charging lamps that are currently lit this hot purplish pink color.

Also in Texas, Kristen and I got to go out. We ate at this steakhouse called mesquite. I had this massive steak. It was right on the lake and it was raining out so that was cool to see. Reminded me of silent hill. Another interesting thing that happened in texas is jeremy told me about this book called "the subtle art of not giving a f". Sounded funny and I was legit interested in it. I went online to read some of it as well as other various similar books that came up on amazon. Most of them were passable, but there is this book called unf*** yourself. It was honestly a page turner. I bought it almost immediatly. It had a lot of answers I was looking for.

I want to outline some of the things I really enjoyed about the book. one thing I have to give livejournal and myself credit for, is that several of the ideas in this book, I came to similar conclusions around this time last year. There are so many things I want to say about it, but one that comes to mind is that I did so well last year. I had all these visions and dreams and goals, and ways of conquirng life that nothing could stop me. There was a point this school year, where I felt like i was stopped. A point this book makes is that you are stopped only when thats what you tell yourself. So i'm on the edge of feeling like i'm "starting over" and "i'm still going". I did stop. Not that i'm feeling like im stopped at this point, but more or less in the past. I kinda put some eggs in baskets that got crushed, but thats ok I'm learning. I'm relentless. I also learned that I cant let or depend on ANYBODY but me for what I want in life. Sometimes I would blame my sadness or struggles on the tough spot Kristen put me in. But really I put myself emotionally in that tough spot. With that I mean I can't help the actions she chose, but i can chose my reactions to what she did. Reflecting on the whole process I can see now that when I first got the sad news, I was strangely controlled an uneffected. When did it really get to me and under my skin? Well that was when I really dwelled on it and thought about had bad it sucks to be me. What would have happened if I kept the first line of thinking up and didn't grab on so tightly to the latter? I mean its powerfull stuff. I am sure I could read though a few journal entries and really find that I LET it get to me a lot, I FOCUSED on it a lot. With that said tying it back to the book, one thing he recommends is to kick those negative thoughts out as soon as they happen. Stuff is going to come into your head no matter what, it just happens, but its my job that when it's consciously noted to kick it out.

So i'm back! I am focused on the positive directions where I started to head last year. I have learned that some of those things (which I got down about this year, are not the answer. So i'm actually better off now, and closer to the goal). Time to go further into the unkown. Its that unknown, we don't know if we are 30 minutes out of the jungle and in civilization or 3 days, but you keep trucking either way. I might have taken a slight detour, but i'm still going, and going to make this life better with each year. If I want something i'm going to go out and get it. If I don't do that I must be content not having it, in which case I should shut up about things and stop complaining.

Ok, so normally I like to comment on my old goals, but what i'm thinking would be fun right now is start to draft new goals. A goal for my goals (lol, is to come up with a roadmap for each one. I just don't quite have that much time right now)

1: Finish Album - to do this i'm first going to need to figure out how to fix the sizing of fruity loops (right now my new tv screen cuts off the top, bottom, and sides of screen). I am going to make this due by next wednesday. Then I need to finish / fix both songs that are almost done (due in 2 weeks). Then I need to work on or contemplate the other song that I have (due in 3 weeks). 4th week I need to start writing to labels and figuring out how to do it.

2:Take the dead mouse mastercourse (due in 4 weeks), watch youtube videos on music production, and videos on how to sing (at least 1 per week). Start organizing songs better, and make them look better in FL (start that now).

3:  Play shows: Figure out how I want to play a live show (due in 2 weeks). Buy hardware to play live shows (by my birthday)
Practice / record myself playing live to improve performance (due october). Play live show by end of June 2018.

4: Kayaking: Pick a date with Eric to go Kayaking (due Sunday). Look up prices for kayaking (due today). Save up for Kayaking trip (due by my birthday). Go Kayaking (due by my birthday)

5: Boat Rental: Its $400 a day https://phoenix.craigslist.org/cph/boa/6153424275.html
See if anybody is interesting in going in on it. Either due before school starts back up or the end of the following summer.

6: Scuba Diving: Find cool places to scuba dive (and vacations around it), ask eric for link to the course he used to get certified. Plan budget of $600 to become ceritified. First vacation next year?

7: Dirt Bike: Find out how i can tow one (due this weekend), find out what to look for in a used bike (due this weekend), make a lyft goal to buy one next summer (due today), look into rentals (due next weekend)

8: Be my best: lose 10 lbs before work starts back up, bench 115 lb dumbells (due before going back to work), get diet on point, Finish Reading (unf*** yourself), read books on social skills, practice social skills doing lyft, practice and re-read unf*** yourself, find other books on aspects of winning at life, subscribe to mens journal.

9: not fun but important: keep up to date on chores and big ticket family items.

10: WATCH LOTS OF MOVIES, PLAY LOTS OF GAMES, Write down movies, shows, reviews as they come across. Play all XBOX, xbox 360 and Playstation games before moving on. Also play computer games

11: Get more connected with friends

Remember the best plan is worthless without action!!!!
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Continuation of goodness [06 May 2017|08:09am]
Ok so I don't have a lot of time so ill make this quick and sweet. I found this amazing app that makes life like its a game, but in a good way with mainly leveling up. its called life rpg. ive done it, and reallyhelped me focus on a lot of stuff. so what i wanted to do is focus on how the week went what went well.

What went well this week?

I did better on my diet than I have for a while. I ate really just about how I wanted to which was mainly at work. I can assure you I do feel more energy, and just generally good.

I stepped up my cardio. well now i'm at least doing it. I have had 3 cardio sessions this week. Found an amazing /  beautiful spot on a run.

I got some confidence from eating right, and today did the 110lb dumbells again. really forced some positivity on myself.

one of my favorites is I wasn't thrilled with my review at work, but instead of arguing i looked at it objectively, and didn't dwell on it. I am only using it for positiivity to keep moving forward.

What didn't go well this week?

I am proud to say not much. I will say when the teacher flipped out on me because she said I made her feel "stupid". I wanted to handle that better and not let it bother me as much as it did. i hate dwelling on things.
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another long winded reflection that might have some useful information [19 Apr 2017|07:10pm]
I started tihs reflective / introspective journey about a year ago. Remembering how I felt last year was a concotion of emotions. I remember feeling hopeful, and emberassed. I say embarassed becase some of the old entries were so immature and crass. I remember reading them thinking I was more bold then. I don't really feel like thats it anymore. I remember reading that stuff thinking that was the key. I felt like I found the code, the cure to a lot of lifes problems. A year later, I see the merit. I see the positive in my line of thinking. Variety is important, and when it comes to spreading out my interests and just how life works is important and something I do still want to continue to work on.

What I no longer agree with is the part on how cool it was that I just said whatever the hell I wanted. Perhaps its not that, its more that what I felt back then is just flat out immature. It was inexperienced. What made me think of this lately was some of the counseling I do with a student that I work with. I can just see things from his perspective and remember being that immature myself. Thats a stage which was essential to move past. I don't regret it. In fact thats a big thing I can say about a lot that has went on over the years, I need to not regret things. I felt and did things for a reason.

That brings up another factor that has caused me to post this. I realize that I keep telling myself "ooh I shouldn't feel this way". Its like I try to block out feelings and emotions from my head. its as if I want to discard things. I don't want to have had the sad moments, the really low points. its all part of it. Its part of everything. Those things and emotions are all real, important and play a purpose / role. They need to be delt with good or bad, and then there is some that I do not know if its good or bad myself. I think thats the point is tha I need to deal with them.

I do believe I need to see a psychologist (I know funny right says the school psychologist). I can be honest, I still don't know how to deal with Kristen or the super fucked up emotions that still linger with it. However, writing that itself feels good. yeah, I do have emotions with it. They come and they go. When they come I need to stop treating myself bad and thinking that its somehow my fault for thinking about it. If its even remotely still on my mind after 3 years, it needs to be delt with. I have done what I could, and I do mean that sincerely. To be honest thats a big bulk of everything. Its been a rough last couple years.

Thats where I do have to write some good stuff too. I am so proud of myself for going through all this last year. I love that I set these goals for msyelf and essentially I said fuck not living a good fulfilling life. I am proud of myself for saying I want to get back in the gym. Now its a reality. I would say it was March of 2016 that I got back in the gym, and i'm still going. I even woke up at 4:45AM to go this morning.

That brings me to the next point of what I have in my mind. What meant the most to me in the past of going to the gym, was the sacrifice and dedication. Its that the shit was just so fucking hard. It wasn't easy at all. I remember right before going up to NAU having that crazy diet. Or right before our wedding how hard I went. Or best yet was right before shane was born. I still remember Kristen saying "its like you are dissapearing right before my eyes." I got so cut and shredded. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking "I have given everything 110%". I meant it. Thats what the best feeling was. Seeing the product of myself in top shape was just the icing on the cake. I felt like I was the man because of the dedication. So getting to the point, last year I thought "ooh if I lift weights, that will bring those feelings back". don't get me wrong, going at 4:45AM is pretty hardcore and all, but i'm not giving it that same effort to prove I can do anything. So its like i'm giving a half ass effort and getting down on myself for it. Doesn't make any sense. That brings me to the next point of the rest of my goals.

I am proud of myself for trying a lot of my ideas / goals, but I feel like I'm doing them half ass. With that said I must be real and reasonable. I can't go all out on every hairbrain idea that I get. Lets face it though, I should have made plans with Josh, I should have met Chad & Heidi's kid by now. As I write that I am reaching out to them on facebook messenger hha. I'm also reaching out to my friend or potential friend Aaron (with the crazy IS300). I hope by the next time I read this or write something I go out with a good friend / new friend / old friend. I need to hold onto the good ideas I came up with a year ago.

So in connectoin to this I had an epiphany earlier today. Perhaps this is the big motivation to write all this. I have had these thoughts of real-estate, and just making money. I am kinda negative with myself on the idea, like im going to half ass do that as much as I half assed going to the gym. Then I remembered how much I challanged myself going to the gym (when I got into my best shape) how eye opening it is. If anything from all of this, thats what I gotta remember! So i had this thought... what if I went all in with this idea? what if I really fucking proved it to myself. Could I be more successful than i give myself credit for? Then I got really excited! Maybe I need to do this!

Morals of all this nonsense:
1: every feeling is important good and bad. you just gotta deal with everything
2: keep good ideas alive and well
3: The biggest payouts come with the most work. Look into real estate!
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I forgot this!!! [26 Mar 2017|08:35am]
What I really wanted to add to that last post is that true happiness lies within. Only ever let people add to you and your happiness, never let anybody take it. Its a risk you have to take because to truely love you have to give your heart, but when you build up yourself and your fun and enjoyment in life it shouldn't shatter you. know what makes you yourself, what makes you happy, what makes you feel good. keep those things, and yourself. No matter what life throws at you, you need to be good with  you! It makes more sense in my head, and is much harder to get out into writing. Perhaps ill add to this later if I find the way to describe it better. But dont let anybody hold the keys to your happyness. people can only add to it! Dig deep within!
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Life is good, or still getting there [26 Mar 2017|08:31am]

I like to somewhat answer my old posts. So to my goals of what I wanted for the next time I posted (essentially now). I didn't let the gym injury get me down. I even had another injury in October, but have been accident free since :). I am also doing pretty good strength wise. I benched 235x9 yesterday (with some help from a spotter). I did sign up with Lyft, not Uber though. I actually had a blast doing that. Such a fun and easy to way to earn a little bit of cash. I have a lame reason for not doing that anymore. I just had a dude that didn't want to empty his beer before getting in my car. Really pissed me off. After that I just kinda got busy with work, and its hard to convince yourself to do  it on the weekends when you really want to kick back. As far as David goes, I could have done better.  In fact he wrote to me last night so I will go after that.

Reading that last post just continued to inspire me. Inspiration is huge for me! I loved the outlook. I have been pretty positive for the most part. Old demons occasionally come back to haunt me, but what i love about myself is that I always want to truck through it and keep moving forward. I don't know how I always do it, but I always pull through.

So one thing I always try to do is when I find a solution / life hack I like to keep track of it. One particular sturggle I have had lately is emotionally spreading myself too thin. In the process, I lose some of the important things. So here is where I would like to turn my focus... it might sound selfish... ready????? ok its on me, and my fun and happyness. Might sound silly, but having kids, and a demanding significant other who hasn't always exactly been there for me is quite an emotional investment, and my personality what comes naturally is for me to put myself last. then i get down on myself, and bla bla bla its stupid. So where I am going with this is to enjoy me and my life. Wow that sounds oversimplified. So heres an example last night at Eric's new place. I was really enjoying it there and had the natural worry of "ooh I don't want Kristen to be mad at me." I need to permanantly change my focus to "Am I ready to leave? Have I had my fun for the day? Really if shes mad at me then thats her problem to deal with, and not mine". If she wants to harp on that and try to make my life miserable, life B sounds so much fun. In fact so much fun makes life plan a sound like it needs to step its game up. If I am not happy and having fun in life im miserable, and then cannot truely make anybody happy.

Speaking of her, I need to forgive / trust / move forward. Harboring those dark feelings for what she has done helps nothing. Look at the past, when i first realized this I was good, when it resurfaces i'm hurt. I need to let go of that negativity alltogether. Even for other people, it doesn't help anything. I made the choice to stay with her, so I need to break those chains. Its like Henry Rollins said "The best revenge is to live better than then person that hurt you". I can't agree more. If you cant be pulled down, then you really are unbreakable. So yeah I really need to give her a chance, and really need to give this life a shot. With that said, I need to keep in mind what I wrote above. I'm in charge of me, and not her. I think I need to learn from mistakes on both our parts in the past, and I also need to up my game with the silly things that mean a lot to her, like coffee in the mornings. You see this is why I have to write this down because when i was doing great last july these were the thoughts i had that vanished. As the book I read before is to make deposits that mean something to the person.  If I do that then it makes things that much more confident to be me and be happy.

I really like how I ended my last post with goals, so i'm going to try it again. I have been up and down lately so theres 2 things I want to work on, is to eliminate all kinks. Next thing I want to do is be more focused on diet. My goal is this (healthy during the work week) and whatever at home for dinner + cardio. I really want to write more, but hopefully ill be on later to do it.

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Keeping up the pace [05 Jul 2016|07:31am]
It feels to get back on here again. I didn't read too much of past entries. Its only 7:06 AM. I am one day away from starting my new job. Thats new job as in (same position with the same company at a new location). This will be my third certified year as a school psychologist. I'm actually pretty excited about it. It is looking to be a good year. Anyhow, as I write this I have Shane next to me and he is full of awesome stuff to say this morning "Daddy I love you just the way you are." He also said something to the effect of us both being dudes haha. Thats his thing he always wants to say were both dudes. Ryker caught onto the fun and says "High Five DUUUUDEEEE" its too funny how he says it.

Anyhow, as mentioned in previous posts I saw facebook as a mission. It was (and still is) my mission to make things awesome again, and hopefully the best its ever been. I must say I have had a few moments where I feel like i'm there. One thing I kinda forgot about is variation. the one thing I have really been after is catching up on classic movies in our bedroom. I injured my back so I set up the projector in there and have bee  trying to rewatch some of my favorite films. I must say I have had a blast doing this. One of my favorite moments with that is while watching the classic "blood in, blood out" shane cuddled up to me in bed to watch it. To me it was like symbolizing when 10 years ago I was dreaming of what my life would be. When I was really having fun just kicking back in bed, thats what I was doing but with my first born child. Its seriously awesome and I love the little buddy so much.

I haven't let the going to the gym and ripping up the weights dream die out. I did, however, get slightly injured doing so. About 4 days ago I was just getting ready to go to the gym and wen to tie out my shoes and my back went really out, and when I say out I mean it was out. I tried to make it to the gym, but funny thing is I had to call Kristen to get her mom to come over and help with the kids. I was pretty sad that day, and lets face it, im still bummed it happened. I was going ham in the gym. I joined EOS fitness, and I am really liking the place. I was going to the apartment gym for a while, but I wanted to take things up to the next level. Go figure after a week of doing that this happens. Ooh and there is even a cinema room there. They play a different movie each day, and I strangely want to watch captain america.

So smashing weights has been a goal, but have to put it on hold till I heal (im not giving up) next is friends. I have been able to hang out with Eric a lot. The other night we had a marathon of the Purge 1 and 2. 3 is in cinemas now and I really want to see it soon. Greg has been in and out of town and I have been doing good with seeing him too (in fact I should try to see him today since i go back to work tomorrow). On the list is still Chad and Josh. I have been wanting to visit Scotts parents also and bring them flowers. I want to make sure I have a good euelogy type speech for them. They deserve to hear some great things. Speaking of euelogy, last night I dreamed about Michael's funeral. I am a bit surprised I didn't get up to say a few words. Sometimes I think David doesn't remember that I was there for him for that. As weird as it is I miss hanging out with him, and his mom and dad are sooo awesome. I tried to get David to the gym, but he was extremely standoffish to the point of almost being disrespectful. I'm going to give him another chance and write a facebook message after i'm done here. So then I will have a clean conscious about where we left our friendship. Next on the list is Josh and Chad. I get excited just thinking about them. Ooh and for Josiah, when I see him I want to start jamming. Thats what I used to do in the past I had something fun to do with each friend.

While I am still hard at work trying to figure out how to do things I have dreamed of, along comes new ideas. So what I am looking into now is becomming an MMA ref. What an easy way to earn a little cash here and there. If I were to some day make my way up to the ufc that would be amazing. those guys make some serious cash.

One final note i'm going to leave off on is my kids. Its crazy and makes me kinda sad to see them growing up. Yesterday we had a blast. We went to Barrio Queen, and they were just so silly and sweet. We took a great picture of them hugging. I hope I have a great collection of pictures and videos for them. I have been impressed that my dad did so well with keeping picutres for us. I cant wait for him to move back. Anyhow after dinner we came home and shane and I took a bodybuilding.com bok and made a rocketship with it. we both drew on it, and it was really funny but Shane is super bummed we can't put wheels on it. Ryker is getting closer to potty train, but he is just so cute we love him and I really dont want him to grow anymore. One of my favorite things is no matter what he is doing if you tell him you need a big hug he will run after you and give you a huge one. I am a lucky guy.

Ok so I am setting goals for myself here. By the next time I come on I will have signed up with lyft / uber (to start saving for extra car parts) I will be back in the gym and continuing a good diet, I will remain social with my friends (and get closure to whatever David is thinking), and I will have at least reached out to brandon and stan to learn submissions to become a ufc coach. I am sure I can think of more, but we will leave it at that to make it reasonable. I'm sure I have more to write but I need caffeine, and my back is kinda hurting. OOh other goal 2 shows within the next couple of months. Cold Cave and
 Harms Way.
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What year is it? [05 Apr 2016|07:05am]
[ mood | Undefeated ]

The irony of me going back through Live Journal entries is that I realizd something that I want back in life. That something is variety. Reading past entries was like "today me and ____ went and did _____, then I went home and did ______, and then _____, etc." I live in a small town now with my family, and really feel like ive been living in a box, and wish I could get back to those old ways. So anyhow, one thing I have been focused on / excited for is living by people again (friends) once I move to Gilbert. I feel like right now "Do I feel like driving an hour to see Josh for 30 minutes".... sadly no, but hes the same towards me and we mutually understand one another. Will be nice to get back to gilbert to change that to "am I willing to drive 10 minutes to see Josh"... Hell yeah! Anyhow, so thats my future plan (that and smashing weights in the gym to get stuff out of my system and have a good time.) So the gym part i'm good on now. Greg is going to be in AZ for the FULL MONTH OF APRIL!!!! So I've been working on a plan, to hang out and get that variety back. So the plan is lift on mondays and goof off on wednesdays (were thinking of making it like racketball wednesdays or something). So last night we went to the gym. It was so awesome to get that piece (and peace) back in life of seeing a variety of people. Just seemed so natural to go the gym and hang out with a friend during a work day. Man I miss this. Makes me feel like its 2006 again. We griped about things in life here and there but that was hard for me to do because I was so happy haha. I am starting to see that this variety theory is so dead on. Thanks LJ for helping me find myself through finding my old self. Ok off to work I go.

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Best Worst Day or Worst Best day or perhaps Best worst start good finish? [02 Apr 2016|10:32pm]
[ mood | Ready to pass out ]

I have so much I want to write, for lack of too much im just going to let it all out. I first want to write about what it means to see my LJ and to see it going back from 2003 to where I am at today. Needless to say there are a lot of emotions I get from reading all of this. I was young, wreckless, didn't give a fuck. I was living and enjoying life, scared of the future, and learning / trying to figure out who I am to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The irony you could say is that right now I have a few of my fears figured out. I got over some large obsticles in life, I have college degrees and an awesome career. What I am missing is some of the carefree fun. I know some of that is "your an adult now", "your a dad now", "you have a serious job to work now", "your friends are grown up and or are dead / moved away". But part of me reads this stuff and says fuck it "Spring Break" (as Scott would say), and lets just have a good time. I guess thats where I am going with all this. I want it all. Ive realized too many times within the past 10 years its "ooh I want to go back to 2004-2006", and I leave it at that. I was thinking of this at the gym the other day. Everything I do for fun now is "ooh this was so much better in xxxx date". Skateboarding, working out, etc (with the strange exception of making music). Specifically now its "if I could get back into as good of shape as I was in 2006". Anyhow, im tired of that shit. I worked my fucking ass off to live a life better than what it was in my younger days. Hell if you would have asked me in my younger days I would have said "it doesn't get any better than this?" I am only 32, i not 80 or something. Still fairly young. Fuck it Spring Break! Lets live the best days of our lives!

Anyhow that leads me to today. Let me lead up to today. I dont ask my mom for favors, I don't ask for any favors really from anybody unless I really need help. My mom knew I was selling my house in maricopa. offered to let me pay rent at the house she was trying to sell. Sounds groovy right? wrong. She totally fucked me over. I moved a shit ton of stuff over there. She calls me on Easter of all days... Easter.... doesn't ask how the kids easter went, etc. She says "whats the story with your house? I need you to go over to my house right now and return the keys..." Pretty sad. So a week goes by and I call my sister yesterday. I get shockley's voicemail something about real estate, cant take the phone call and if you need immediate assistance to call my mom. So I don't know, but my guess would be hes in on this back stabbing with my mom. Pretty messed up right? Then I get a series of text messages like they don't know whats happening "are you moved in yet?" I don't know if they are doing anything with my mom, and if they are great for them, I just like people who are up front. Anyhow, so I have that baggage on my mind. When I start to get upset with something, my demons come back of some haunting things that have happened. Specifically last year. I was given terrible news the first week of August of 2014. I don't have to write it because i dont like to share it and ill never forget it. Anyhow, so when my close ones start screwing me over, it all comes back, its like vietnam flashbacks or something. I got to a very dark place. What makes things worse. I asked eric a few days ago to help and he was helping his mom. I understand short notice, then i couldnt reach Brian. Just put me in a dark place. I hate to play the victim, but when shits all around you its hard to keep looking away. Anyhow so I load up the moving truck by myself, which ooh yeah that fun story. So I get to the storage unit, they need a 100 cash deposite (i know right?). Then to get the moving truck I had to wait in the most stupid line ever at home depot. The lady behind the register was super rude. Anyhow, so then I get back to the truck and there is no ladder. So here I am screwed over by my mom (not the first time but it will be the last time), at a moving truck with nobody to lend a hand... then thinking about how those people backed out of buying our house and screwed us over, add in my distrust for people, etc. All this while listening to xbishopx i was fuming. I guess that helped me get it all in the truck myself. Anyhow, so trying to figure out how to give mom her keys I called Brian. I figured he wouldn't answer, but to my surprise he did. Not only did he answer but despite me telling him not to come help he refused to accept no for an answer and came anyways. You know its those little times when something like that which is so priceless and special. I try to not be dependent on anybody but me, but to know somebody cares and wants to help means the world. Brian came and was a huge help. One of the most funny moments is when we were trying to move in this big patio furniture and this older couple was coming in. This patio set flopped out of control and basically destroyed the cart and the doors. The people looked horrified, the best thing I could think of to say (because you have ot say something is) "were professionals do you want some help moving?" we all laughed it was a good moment. From there a lot of good moments came along with it. We bumped into some rad dude at the gas station whom was interested in the new mountain dew. Then we went to tia rosas. The weather was perfect outside. There were mormons every direction you could see and all these mormons that just showed up out of nowhere they were caling on their tables for like 12 people and Brian and I were like wtf? We had a good time talking, had some good laughs and then Brian drove me all the way home. We had some great talks. He heard all of my gripes about mom and said something that i sometimes forget "dont be the victim". Thats true, and I wasn't seeing it that way. Ok Well believe it or not I have mor eto write but I need to pass out! Spring Break

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First post in many moons [30 Mar 2016|11:25pm]
Wow that last entry was emo as hell. The irony is what happened with the conclusion of that test.... I passed it lol. In fact I later had a different AEPA assessment and ended up passing with flying colors as well. Success didn't stop there. I was a special education teacher for 4 years. While I was a teacher I went back to school again to get my masters to become a school psychologist. I did an internship (worst year of my life) for school psychology and that leads me to today I have been a certified school psychologist for 2 years now. Prettty freaky when I read some of the things I posted on this website haha. I have matured a lot. But I have to admit sometimes I really miss being that immature, damn life was fun. Still is... sometimes. I lift again so you will hear more talk about me getting huge lol. Ooh and i'm (hopefully moving back into town soon). Hope I can regain a degree of fun like I used to post here. Lets bring the higly ranch back lol. Anyhow, do I still have any friends that read this stuff? That would be aweosme. lets bring this shit back! I cant wait to start posting more!
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189 weeks later [09 Nov 2008|01:55pm]
I would like to write that things have changed so much and im so happy. but i do not think that will ever be my post? Why is that you ask? Well its not because of society, its not because of any person. it all boils down to the classic struggle of man vs himself. i am a loser and have been trying to fix it over the last few years. i get close sometimes, but no matter what i do it comes back to slap me in my face. i remember a friend once got mad at me for writing failure on my door. i wrote it because i so  badly wanted to erase it and not be that loser anymore. i never erased it for that reason, i erased it because we had to move and my parents didnt think that would help us sell the house to have a freak living in the house. I never re-wrote it on any other doors because i knew i would most likely never erase it and mean it sure i like to pretend, but i know who i really am. you would think id be mad and hold a secret grudge towards people who have called me things such as moron like my dad. truth is i do not. i think they were actually right and the first people to realize it. like when i was a kid and couldnt figure out how to change the edger wire, i really was an idiot for not being able to figure that out, and for a long time i thought my idiotness could be blamed on my dad for calling that. you can not blame people for telling the truth. so you (as if anybody besides myself will ever read this) are probably wondering why i wrote this?well once again i have been a failure.i took a test that i have been in school for a really really long time for.i totally failed it. i do0 not have the resutls for sure.but ill put it this way, i failed it  plain and simple. surprise surprise, it is me after all. who knows what i should do from here, i mean im only like 30kish in debt froma  schooling experience were i have and mmaintained a 4.0 but it doesnt matter because im too big of an idiot to pass a test that most people not even in education would pass.i guess thats thecurse of  being a failure. i feel sobad now for trying to tell students that they really are smart when i dont even believe i am smart myself. well anyhow it felt good to get some of this crap out. yours failure sincerely brad
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ouch.... this hurts [27 Mar 2005|12:56pm]
[ mood | depressed ]


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hey guess what? [12 Mar 2005|07:09pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

for once i have absolutly nothing to complain about. this is me being happy :)... its about time! i cant wait to go wakeboarding

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run till you pass out [09 Mar 2005|04:39pm]
yeah, so latly ive been thinknig. Sure i go to the gym all the time and workout. There are millions of other people that do that. I sometimes get down about my results not being good enough. So then i started training with bj, dude is nuts. Pushes me to the edge and back. What really made this all hit me is this. The other day i was running, and I thought about a convo that scott and I had. He said that we are alike that we work out to see how far we can push ourselvs. Like a mind game. So when i was running i thought, is this is hard as i can run? Am i going to more or less jog and never push myself every day? what if tomorrow is my last day here? Why waste your time on something if your not going to pour your heart it in. There was a time when i didnt think i could do any better. Just proud enough that i was out running. All that has changed, it is so worthless. I once sent such a low standard for myself. So back to the story, i realized all this, and i just thought who cares. What if i run so hard that i puke or if i pass out? well chances are im not going to die. and chances are im going to feel good about it the next day. Im going to feel more confident, and be more proud of myself. So i just said screw it dude, im running as fast as i can, and i did. I nearly did pass out, but i felt like a million bucks afterwards. I have been staying really true to working out this hard. We all have the potential to be amazing people, its only sad because not too many people are willing to go so far
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[01 Mar 2005|09:20pm]
I guess you could say today was a good day. Just the usual school/work/gym. The main thing i liked about today, is when i got to the gym, i realized i didnt have a lifting shirt, i knew that david gave me a few shirts that i had in my trunk. they have been there since the summer. I havent worn them because they were huge. So I put one on and it fit perfectly. Then when im lifting, some random dude comes up to me and is asking what i do to work out my traps because they are so "huge". That was pretty cool. So anyways, there was this guy that i knew a while ago, i always thought he was pretty big, and i see him at the gym all the time. I never really thought about being as big as him, but i went to weigh myself in the locker room and out of nowhere, i hear "holy crap your big now". so sure enough it was him. We had like a mini posedown and he claims im bigger than him. Its weird because i would have never really noticed. now i just think he shrunk or something hha. i guess i should be happy where im at.... but im not. Tony Danza look the fuck out
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good morning [27 Feb 2005|10:36am]
Its always a nice way to wake up when your mom tells you that she is afraid of you. Because you remind her of Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hide.... yeah i guess she thinks im crazy or something, and now im forced into seeing a psychiatrist. She really wants me to take meds. I dont think im the problem. I think all the shitty people, that affect me are the problem. Sure you shouldnt let people run your emotions, but after a while people can be realy fucking gay. Dear world, If you dont like someone, you should probably just tell them. If you cant hang out with someone, you should tell them the truth. If someone makes you angry, y ou shouldnt avoid them. Maybe if people would just be honest with each other, then this world wouldnt be such a bad place. Im sick of stuff like this "ooh i cant hang out, i have so much homework to do tonight".... on a fucking saturday, after you made plans? Even when the person blew off an awesome show for you? or how about, "I have to help my sister get ready for her wedding, I dont think i can hang out tonight". Ooh i see, you are going to be helping ALL NIGHT? i doubt it. there are too many other related stories i could go off on, but fuck em. All together quit being so fucking fake. Im glad i have like the 4 or 5 real friends that I have.
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hi [19 Feb 2005|07:12pm]
i have scotts facedown fest 2k4 dvd.... I really want to attend 2k5.... :(. Im such a nerd, i even wrote nodes an email. I told them that i think their new vocalist is amazing, and their band is so good. I just feel slapped in the face because thier gutiarist talked crap about overcome, saying that they did nothing for christian hardcore.... dude they were the first signed facedown band. If they apologize then ill probably end up going to their show again. I realized i make more friends now because i lift and im getting big. Im gettin used to people aproaching me at the gym. I dont really care, its almost lame. NObudy wanted to be my friend when i was small... even girls, Ive learned alot in the past few weeks. Im pretty happy with life! i just learned whatever happens happens, dont try to change th ings that have already happend, thats like the most unhealthy thing you can do. If people dont like you, fuck em right scott? its time for me to be Brad
4 In Snow |post comment

sleeeeep [15 Feb 2005|01:56am]
Last night i didnt get much sleep. I was having so much fun listening to the new comeback kid cd. It is good, I think i have honestly litend to it over 15 times today. Im in a bad mood now, but i think its because im really tired and cant fall asleep. Im takng this stuff called m stack, i wonder if thats why i cant sleep... who knows, today was cool... well not really haha, but ooh well why complain about something you cant do anything about. I probably wont care once i wake up tomorrow and have a burro with casey
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[13 Feb 2005|10:46pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

For some reason, my last journal entry was on a date that hasnt even came up yet.... strange, im glad Nona pointed that out to me. I can finally update my journal again. I dont have a whole lot to say now. My outlook over pretty much everything has changed. I dont really take much things to heart as I used to, im just going with the flow with things. I feel alot more like myself the past few days than I have in a long time. Even with school stuff im doing rad. I love halo 2 so much i could marry it. I wonder when nona wants to watch that show with me... hmmm. anyways someone should remind me that tomorrow night at 11:05pm, yes 05, how retarded is that, but anyways the ultimate fighter is going to be on. A reality show about cagefighting.... amazing i know, I watched a little preview today, and Chuck Lidell was on it. Im stocked

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i love strongarm [19 Jan 2005|07:48pm]
I finally got my cd back from chadith. I missed it... you gotta love these lyrics
you're my beloved and all together lovely as a gift that cant't be bought as if gold could favor outweigh your meaning to me the secrets of the heart made manifest even beauty's priced beside thee proportioned by lot the less wishes fade dreams break promise made takes away your will takes your whole heart captive just for one promise sell it all for one true word to hold on to face the shame of it all safer to neglect than open your callused heart piece by piece you have lost a part of yourself you share to gain but lose at love and learn to hate yourself more and more each day and all the days thereafter they labor to put back together and regain what is gone forever wishes fade as dreams break promise made tomorrow takes the most costly mistake is to try to change the past today the filth and athe shame they all wash away for you Christ will clean the slate only love can fill the void when the world has taken its toll hand in hand by your side we'll walk down this path together i'll take you to the place where promises will never break to the advent to the advent to the advent of a miracle true love is to die for and is why i cry for you and the pain you feel and feed can heal if you'd just walk with me toward the light
1 In Snow |post comment

this weekend I... [17 Jan 2005|11:38pm]
went to hatebreed. lost my shoe while dancing. got stepped on by fat people. laughed. was shy around kids that i think are really cool. got mad that im shy. hate being shy. anyways, yeah. then i played halo 2 while steve mentored me. That was pretty cool. Of course I went to the gym. Found out that all my pothead friends are hooking up with girls. Maybe i need loser skills like go to raves and do x to get chicks. hahaha i would rather die. Sometimes I wish i knew more people that are like me. Then again I dont know too many people that are like me... ok none. who wants to be edge and win body building competitions and snowboard like a fiend in the winter, and wakeboard all summer? Maybe i need loser skills like go to raves and do x to get chicks. hahaha i would rather die
1 In Snow |post comment

im not sick [12 Jan 2005|01:23pm]
finally i have been able to hit the gym after 3 long grueling weeks of being sick and family stuff. Its not raining out, today rocks. It got even better when i got there cuz i meet th is guy phill there a while ago, he gave me some lifting advice. Said he was an nfl football player. bla lba bla. So anyways today as im driving to the gym a bently is crusing behind me, i was like no way, i bet thats him. sure enough it was. I get in there and he starts giving me advice again. Its awesome, he tells me that if i follow his chest routine, he guarentees me that i will see 15 pounds increase. He said if i make the 15 pound increase he will take me to eat anywhere i want to eat. No he isnt gay, he has a super hot fuckin wife, i hope she comes to dinner too. What makes it even cooler, is that last time i saw him he said "your working hard, but you arent big yet". today he told me that my chest and traps are huge, i just need work on my legs, its true. anyways im off to work, later to anyone who actually read this haha
6 In Snow |post comment

[03 Jan 2005|05:05pm]
today is horror movie today, unfortunatly i have seen sooooooooo many, its hard to find a decent one that i havent seen. I really want to see the brood, i have heard good things about it. I wish they would release all of the howlings on dvd, i can only find the first one. I heard the vanashing was good, any other suggestions?
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[02 Jan 2005|02:27pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

haha, the other day i was screaming this in the shower. Singing in the shower is for losers. Its all about the screaming. I like this tho.

These Tears will result in sweat. This sweat will result in blood. This bloodshed will result with a smile. I give all this for you my blood, my brother, my friend. BLOOD, PAIN, PASSION, and a GRIN. this continous cycle begins, and will not stop till i see you again. This is not the end, we will chill again my friend

I miss you cory

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afasfsd [17 Dec 2004|01:22am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Damn, I shouldnt be up now but fuck it. Im just thinking about lifting and stuff "bla bla bla thats all you ever talk about brad bla fucking bla" the truth is I care about that and I dont care about you thats why I dont talk about you. Anyhow, Im getting bigger and all, im almost hitting 180lbs. Its just depressing, I get bigger but a gut naturally comes with it, its not like fat. I still dont like it. Its just annoying taht its the only way to get bigger, there needs to be like some magical muscle ingrediant. NO NOT STEROIDS, i like my heart just fine the way it is. The fact is you cant have low body fat and gain muscle it starts off as fat then turns to muscle. This process takes forever. I like the size i am now, im almost thinking of just getting cut to see what its like. If i do that then to get back onto the road of getting huge is just going to be longer. I think once i weigh 200 pounds or am benching 315 aka 3 45lb plates on each side of the olympic bar. Then I think i might just try to get cut. But then fuck it i want to be benching double my body weight when i finally get to 200lbs. Benching 400lbs isnt too much to ask for right... hahaha, im only doing 285 or maybe 290 now. I just want to be FRANCO DAMNIT, if you havent taken a look at my background quit being gay and go see it. I will look like that one day

2 In Snow |post comment

its 10am and i have already consumed 32 grams of protein [14 Dec 2004|10:00am]
[ mood | impressed ]

Yeah, I must say today is starting off awesome. I love to wake up and feel good. No stress, feel healthy, and in a positive mood. I mean I have been making up pretty cool gutiar songs latly, im starting to get big, finals are nearly over, I got a new ARNOLD POSTER. It was just so cool, so far today I woke up, hung up the poster, Made up a new part of my song on gutiar, and then had a protein drink. Now im going xmas shopping, what do you want? Im out later

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ouch [12 Dec 2004|05:48pm]
My sister finally showed me corys lj link. Its like re-opening a wound. I miss that guy. He is my hero. For those who dont know, im going to win a body-building competition for him. 1st place, thats what he got last year. I cant wait to hold that trophy high and yell this one is for you Cory
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THANK YOU CASEYYYYYYYYYy [09 Dec 2004|07:35pm]
I normally dont even go on this website, well sometimes, but the fact is... I only went on it today because i have such a sck background, in case you havent seen it go look at it. Casey is the best, she thinks this guy is so hot. in case you were wondering it is franco columbu, i am going to be the same exact size one day
4 In Snow |post comment

I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE [08 Dec 2004|07:26pm]
you have to admit that this is the best poster ever http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=28009&item=3767145015&rd=1 hey did you know its xmas time and i like gifts?
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im so lame [07 Dec 2004|01:01am]
I dont really have anyone that would give a shit to hear me talk about this. I dont really have a reason to talk about this, its pretty lame. I just had to vent. I know this girl she is sooooooooo freakin awesome, its like amazing im like in shock every time i get to talk to her. She is just a friend and im pretty damn sure thats all it will ever be. I really just like to be around her. She is always crackin jokes and calling everyone a greasy tony. Im used to people being boring, Or like jojo and all them that just sit around and literally do nothing to entertain themselvs. Im glad she isnt reading this because we would have to go through a huge spelling lesson. It would be fun tho, im pretty convinced that what ever i get to do with this girl would be pretty damn fun. She can entertain herself, and just likes to have peoples company. I hate it when you feel pressured to impress a girl or something, thats so lame. I just like the fact that she chills and has fun with you regardless of stupid things. Isnt that the way things should be?
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stupid fucking cycle [07 Nov 2004|11:15pm]
thats right, thats what my life is. a stupid fucking cycle of shit. When I figure fuck it everyone sucks, something like this happens and im like damn im a bad person. im no better than the people i hate. I dont even know what to say, fuck it i want to go to the gym
3 In Snow |post comment

MORE DREAMS [28 Oct 2004|09:35pm]
I once used this as a dream log, i think i might do that again. I had some disturbing dreams last night. THE WORST DREAMS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so here it goes... I dreamed that the deal with Cory was all a dream, and that he was fine. Next thing i know for some reason him and Greg were going to come over to my house and chill. They both got in a car accident and died. In my dream I had to go through all this emotional stuff all over again, and it felt so real. So you think my dream cant get worse right? well it does. So then I am at a party and I hear some guy is about to rape my sister, i go to where people told me, while people were outside of the room not doing ANYTIHNG. I WAAS SOOOO PISSED. I punched through the door and killed the guy before he got to touch my sister. That was the end of my dream. So then after work i took a nap on the sofa. ANOTHER BAD DREAM!!! This one was a friend and I were climbing this huge mountain and he slipped and I had to grab his arm to save him nearly falling off. I managed to save him, but it was pretty emotional. GAHHHH, i want to have good dreams about skateboarding on dinosaurs or something fun like that
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I cant lie [24 Oct 2004|10:58pm]
I bought the new juvenile cd. I like it alot. HAHAHAHAHA! who ever would have thought. I just figured i listen to too much either depressing or angry stuff. Its not healthy to be angry all the time... So i should mix things up. Im pissed i missed the casey jones show blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I havent been to a show in a while, since cave in. which was also amazing. Terror would have been sweet too, but i missed that as well. Ive been busy with school and the gym like normal. Im happy with my results so far, im getting bigger. I plan on a year to do a competition. when i win, im going to yell "THIS IS FOR YOU CORY". that will be like my moment of glory hahaha. Watching pumping iron is such an inspiration. Makes me feel like i can do it. I CAN AND WILL DO IT. anyhow, in other news the snowboard trip is offical snowboard trip the day after thanks giving. I need to get an ipod so that way i can listen to stuff while i snowboard. so if you want to let me borrow one or buy one for cheap then let me know.
1 In Snow |post comment

[13 Oct 2004|01:32pm]
Im excited. things have been giong well latly. Scott and I agreed that its time to get a tat. Our tats are going to be pretty similar. on our calfs. On one leg of scotts will say one, and the other will say life. Myne is going to say on one leg, one life . and on the other its going to say no regrets . If you dont like it ooh well, at least its better than a dragon. Its also kinkda like my memorial and inspiration of cory. thats the way he lived his life with no regrets, that kid taught me alot. Anyhow today is rad no work. Its so nice outside, i want to go skatebaording. If anyone has a foot high rail let me know, that sounds like fun right now.
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[06 Oct 2004|08:09pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

Things have been getting better latly. I have been feeling better about Cory, untill today i saw pics of him all over my sisters folder. So many good memories, and not one bad one. I miss you bud. Im so fortunate to have my true friends, that are always there for me. I dont know what I would do with out them. I started taking N02 9 days ago. tomorrow is the first day I start taking creatine with it. So far, I have already been seeing results. The weekend was fun, Friday played laser tag, and played racketball, and hung out with jeff and ryan. Satruday I wanted to go rock climbing, but nobudy wanted to go. So i just went to mill with my sister and ryan and cheslea. Eric is on his way over now to show off his carbon fiber hood. I want to do something fun this weekend, like sky diving or something like that. Pretty much dont want to sit inside. Im down for suggestions, just let me know if anything cool comes up.

1 In Snow |post comment

R.I.P Cory [25 Sep 2004|03:31pm]
Unfortunatly, a good friend of mine passed away last night. He was an amazing kid, he reminded me of how I used to view the world. He is the one who really got me back into weight lifting again. He was always so happy to talk to you, no matter what kind of mood you were in. I felt that he looked up to me as sort of like an older brother. I gained the most respect for him, when he stuck up for my sister one day at the mall. Some kid insulted my sister, and cory told him to back off. The kid didnt back off, and I meet up with Cory and he faught the kid. I knew Cory didnt have much of a chance, but he faught him anyways.It was amazing, everyone says they would stick up for other people, but they dont. That made me think alot. That made me realize I need to stick up for what is right... Cory taught me alot, just by being an amazing kid. I will miss you Cory, and never forget you. R.I.P friend
1 In Snow |post comment

In the famous words of Sworn Enemy [22 Sep 2004|10:13pm]
"If you want to talk shit about me or my family, disrespect my kind, ill fucking pound your face out..." There is a fine line between "joking around", and "disrespecting someone". The other day this kid crossed the line. Showed no respect for my family, and wasnt the least bit apologetic. I WILL THROWDOWN ANY FUCKING DAY WITH THIS KID!!! I know that may seem "immature", or that I am "sinking to his level." If someone were to spit in your face, you can sit there and be the better person by doing nothing. Even though you may be the better person, there is going to be a piece of you that feels like a coward. It is going to atack your pride. What happens when someone looks away their entire life? I watched cops a few weeks ago. One story was about this store owner, who was getting robbed. He wasnt planning on fighting back, untill he knew that they were going to hurt him. Luckily he knew tikwando (however you spell it), and beat one of the guys down so badly. Im pretty sure that one of the guys robbing him died. The rest got away, I wonder if the guys that got away felt good about themselvs? I wonder if robing that store was worth one of their best friends life?
5 In Snow |post comment

almost time [11 Sep 2004|09:41am]
I have been looking at the big bear website. It doesnt say when they are opening, but they always open the day after thanksgiving. Its going to be a good day for me. im flying out the day after thanksgiving. Austin is giong to pick me up from the airport, the next day boarding, and then driving back to his place. the next day i fly home. this is why i love life!
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[02 Sep 2004|12:45am]
This week just took a turn for the better!!!!!!! Ive been pretty bumed out that scott and i never get to chill. I thought i was losing one of my best friends. Its been stressfull going to school work gym homework. Im starting to get the hang of it. So hangig out with scott was rad. April then called me to do some homework. So I went over there. Its pretty cool that she switched schools just to have the same math class as me. I feel really comfortable around her now, its aweosme. For once i think someone likes me for who i actually am. I mean i have friends, but a relationship just never works. Her roomates boyfriend came over, and i just noticed the way they acted around each other, and thought that april and i click like that. so that bosted my confidence, now this weekend we are going to hang out, so hopefully something will happen
1 In Snow |post comment

Go watch the exorcist [22 Aug 2004|03:04am]
I also watched the warriors yesterday. now i want to beat someone up and skateboard
2 In Snow |post comment

The x-games [07 Aug 2004|12:49pm]
they are on today. I really want to see skateboarding, but every time i turn it on its something lame like inline vert, or bmx bla bla bla. I WANT SOME SKATEBOARDING DAMNIT
2 In Snow |post comment

cool clubs [18 Jul 2004|03:58am]
my friend brian and i started a club called wang chung. all the club consists of playing halo against girls (so we can whop them) and make them have degrating names, cunt rag, 3 dollar whore, barbra walters. j/k I have also been asked to be in 2 other bands besides blind hearts hate, I suck at gutiar what the hell is wrong with these people? any how this update was dedicated to casey for reminding me what lj is. u rock casey, give me back my new zao cd
9 In Snow |post comment

This could be good [23 Jun 2004|02:07pm]
So yesterday i got an interview and yeahh...... I wouldnt mind making 15 dollars an hour, i hope i get this!!!!
3 In Snow |post comment

update bitch..... [13 Jun 2004|02:30am]
this week has been awesome, consisting of horror movies. I must have seen 7 or 8 this week. I must say the omen is the best horror movie ever. if you know of any horror movies i should watch for horror movie sunday let me know. anyhow, today was weird. Some fat fag kid wearing a slipknot acted like he wanted to fight my coworker, my coworker is skin and bones, and its not a fierce 2 inches of bicept like nate, its 2 inches of im a wimpy mormon kid, so i got pissed and the kid shut up. Eric wanted to go to the gym, i went to life in pictures insted, and it made me happy. I have some good friends, that i sometimes dont even really think of as my friends. I talked to steph today, it went well. but she is a girl 666, and it dont matter anyways CUZ I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 In Snow |post comment

[04 Jun 2004|04:41pm]
the msn website says :"The Average Guy and Fat
The Average Guy's body-fat percentage is 19.7" i measured myne two times, the first time was 5.4 percent, the next time was 5.0. the website also says that : "The Average Guy has 13-inch biceps" myne are over 15. anyways enough bragging. Im pretty sad, Paul had to leave our house yesterday, he is living in some really messed up group home. where a 14 year old kid raped an 8 year old kid... and this was recent. it sucks, Paul is like my brother i already miss the kid so much. Today i was at blockbuster and i was going to rent csi and the rundown, both things he would want to watch, but i realized i couldnt cuz he is not here, and i would be sad watching it w/o him :(
8 In Snow |post comment

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